A philosophical journey through the life
of a manic depressive in search of stability and happiness.
i honestly wish I could believe in “God”. I wish i could rationalize it being as simple as praying for all the evil in my life to go away. I wish it were as easy as praying that i got into a college. In the past year I buried my grandmother, my rock, on my birthday then proceeded to have two back to back miscarriages. If this “God” was really as magical and good as you all think he is how could he let that happen to me? i have committed no outlandish sin nor act of evil, yet all of this evil is bestowed upon me? if this “god” really does exist i fear he is not a man i want to know.
so ever since my miscarriage i have become completely obsessed with getting pregnant. like i’m applying to schools and all that jazz but it’s really only to make my parents happy. my entire life is reading fertility and baby care blogs. i don’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer i want to be a mom. that’s it. I honestly believe that this could be the month, i timed it just right and i’m pretty sure i was ovulating when i had sex last. I’ve been having pregnancy symptoms but it’s still way to early to test so here’s to two weeks of freaking out that will probably just end in disappointment.
i’m falling apart. out of nowhere. i just don’t want to be here anymore.